Thursday, April 2, 2009

Synchronicity of Another Kind

I have been in a strange place lately. I have felt that something inside of me needed to come out. I think I may have stumbled onto what that something is. Consider these:

1. I have not updated my genealogy database in about a year. I recently received an update to my software, so I opened my family file. I entered the data regarding my mother's death. The date was May 10, 2008. I have not been able to even consider updating my file until now.

2. I recently dreamed that I told my mom, "I will see you in heaven."

3. I talked to a friend this morning who reminded me that I was grieving.

4. The title of today's post Patti Digh's 37 Days blog was "Poets Help Us Grieve" and she included a beautiful little poem by Jane Kenyon that resonated very deeply with me. Things that remind me of my mother have caught me unaware, completely grief-stricken.

5. I pulled out my checkbook today. The check I wrote on had bluebirds, my mom's favorite. I remember a picture of one in the viewing room at the funeral home. I completely lost it when I saw that picture.

So while these things are telling me I need to completely grieve the loss of my mother, I find it difficult because of the array of emotions surrounding my thoughts of her. I would say it is a bit overwhelming. I am thinking of slowly going through my photographs and letting myself feel the extent of my emotions. I hope it will bring me some peace and calm my heart.